So I've recently been chastised because of my total lack of updating this blog?
Why?
'Cause I've been fucking too damned much!
Actually not really, but I recently had some of the best non-sex of my life.
Non-sex you say?

Yes. Non-sex, that evil little thing that we did otherwise known as dry hopping. No
far past the cherry popping virgin days when that was the only option people
either hump or they don't or do they?

Now that I've decided that I want to be in a relationship , dry humping is back
and Speculative Dick is its King.Speculative Dick is cute, smart, talented and
geeezus I'm losing my cool...I can't stop thinking about him.

cool. stay cool. ice cold

Why stress ? its just that I like him right?
WRONG
I'm dating like 5 other guys right now, you think they'd keep me busy no?
not when there's one you actually really like.

Here they are . A list of the guys I've dated in the past six monthsand you tell me if they're worth it


Assistant Dick

You were the first guy that I dated after my massive break up with J. One day I'll be able to revisit it and tell you guys in detail how he trampled my heart and ruined my ability to trust people. We walked from Washington Heights
to brooklyn, just taking pictures and talking. We met in the darkroom and I was the Teaching Assistant to your photo class.
Eventually you started assisting me on shoots and I thought you were so cute but I have way to much integrity to go there, but
wait, you 're not my student AND you're older than me (by two years).

the first time I finally saw your place and after a year and a half of flirting we finally kissed and it was bad but the sex
is some of the best I've had in a long time. Too bad that after a week of dating you freaked out and stopped talking to me.
I thought we were better than that. You have major intimacy issues and thats a fact, however for 5'6 you're really really strong.
That time we did it on the roof of your job was amazing. You still call me once in a while for photo advice and sometimes late night calls for other things....

totally worth it...

Socialist Dick

First guy i met from OKC that I started actually dating. I showed up to our first date an hour late and you almost left. I felt terrible but looked awesome. We dryhumped and made out like bandits for three weeks. I felt you up and found
quite underwhelming in the size dept but decided to stay anyway because you seemed like a sweet genuine guy. We finally finally had sex and it was decent. I hate to say it seemed like the only reason that you were such an attentive lover was because you were compensating for have a small dick; however he was adamantly soo anti-obama and right around election time, I couldn’t deal with that plus he was a socialist. Not a big deal right? My politics are left-wing progressive, however I never knew that the socialist party was a cult.

Generally I’m very wary of any time of organized religon or any type of group think. When people ask me my politics I say that I lean left and towards the truth. I’m deeply analytical by nature and am a truly independent thinker. I also came from a family of activists. That being said he was from the midwest from a right wing evagelical family. Being a socialist was his fuck you to them. Good for him but still wayyyyy to politically naïve for my tastes. We agreed on most things but he kept starting fights with me that were unnecessary. AND he had a tiny dick? No. Had to drop that.

CHINA DICK

I met him on the train. “No one on the corner has swagger like him” He looked like a member of the chinese gymnastics team. Generally I don’t talk to guys on the train but a) I couldn’t stop staring at him b) His approach was too smooth to resist c) I promised myself that I would not turn down dates unless the guy was totally terrible

We had sex for the first time in his grandmothers house in Chinatown. We fucked with his hand over my mouth because we didn’t want to wake her. He had blonde hair and was completely insane. Three weeks later when we finally had a conversation I found out that he was a Ron Paul libertarian. Hell no. This is why I internet date. I could have found this out a while ago.




DJ DICK

Pros

-He's Tall. 6'7. I generally date short guys. I'm 5'9. This is a nice change. He kisses me on my forehead alot
and I like that. Also , being a foot taller he doesn't need to constantly assert his manhood and feel insecure.
I have no problems dating guys shorter then me but they usually do and thats no longer my problem

-He's smart-ish...at least on paper. Its nice to say that your boyfriend went to Darthmoth and Stanford. I went to an Ivy and
it can be intimidating...unless you're also dating someone from an Ivy. Thing is i'm generally not interested in the Ivy types. He's not an Ivy-type. He likes hip hop

-He likes hip hop
-I have a good time with him. Laid back. Romantic . sweet.

Cons
- I hate the hip hop he likes. He doesn’t like jazz and only likes party music. How shallow
- He’s cheap. He took me out for desert and paid in quarters
- He’s not very kinky ☹ He tries but its half hearted
- I suspect that he dates a lot and we only see each other once/twice a week. I’m all about taking it slow but I suspect that it’s a game for him

Speculative Dick

I don’t even know. I just like him. Not as tall as DJ Dick but still taller than my ex. He’s a drummer/guitarist in several soul funk bands as well as a beat maker and inSo I've recently been chastised because of my total lack of updating this blog?
Why?
'Cause I've been fucking too damned much!
Actually not really, but I recently had some of the best non-sex of my life.
Non-sex you say?

Yes. Non-sex, that evil little thing that we did otherwise known as dry hopping. No
far past the cherry popping virgin days when that was the only option people
either hump or they don't or do they?

Now that I've decided that I want to be in a relationship , dry humping is back
and Speculative Dick is its King.Speculative Dick is cute, smart, talented and
geeezus I'm losing my cool...I can't stop thinking about him.

cool. stay cool. ice cold

Why stress ? its just that I like him right?
WRONG
I'm dating like 5 other guys right now, you think they'd keep me busy no?
not when there's one you actually really like.

Here they are . A list of the guys I've dated in the past six monthsand you tell me if they're worth it


Assistant Dick

You were the first guy that I dated after my massive break up with J. One day I'll be able to revisit it and tell you guys in detail how he trampled my heart and ruined my ability to trust people. We walked from Washington Heights
to brooklyn, just taking pictures and talking. We met in the darkroom and I was the Teaching Assistant to your photo class.
Eventually you started assisting me on shoots and I thought you were so cute but I have way to much integrity to go there, but
wait, you 're not my student AND you're older than me (by two years).

the first time I finally saw your place and after a year and a half of flirting we finally kissed and it was bad but the sex
is some of the best I've had in a long time. Too bad that after a week of dating you freaked out and stopped talking to me.
I thought we were better than that. You have major intimacy issues and thats a fact, however for 5'6 you're really really strong.
That time we did it on the roof of your job was amazing. You still call me once in a while for photo advice and sometimes late night calls for other things....

totally worth it...

Socialist Dick

First guy i met from OKC that I started actually dating. I showed up to our first date an hour late and you almost left. I felt terrible but looked awesome. We dryhumped and made out like bandits for three weeks. I felt you up and found
quite underwhelming in the size dept but decided to stay anyway because you seemed like a sweet genuine guy. We finally finally had sex and it was decent. I hate to say it seemed like the only reason that you were such an attentive lover was because you were compensating for have a small dick; however he was adamantly soo anti-obama and right around election time, I couldn’t deal with that plus he was a socialist. Not a big deal right? My politics are left-wing progressive, however I never knew that the socialist party was a cult.

Generally I’m very wary of any time of organized religon or any type of group think. When people ask me my politics I say that I lean left and towards the truth. I’m deeply analytical by nature and am a truly independent thinker. I also came from a family of activists. That being said he was from the midwest from a right wing evagelical family. Being a socialist was his fuck you to them. Good for him but still wayyyyy to politically naïve for my tastes. We agreed on most things but he kept starting fights with me that were unnecessary. AND he had a tiny dick? No. Had to drop that.

CHINA DICK

I met him on the train. “No one on the corner has swagger like him” He looked like a member of the chinese gymnastics team. Generally I don’t talk to guys on the train but a) I couldn’t stop staring at him b) His approach was too smooth to resist c) I promised myself that I would not turn down dates unless the guy was totally terrible

We had sex for the first time in his grandmothers house in Chinatown. We fucked with his hand over my mouth because we didn’t want to wake her. He had blonde hair and was completely insane. Three weeks later when we finally had a conversation I found out that he was a Ron Paul libertarian. Hell no. This is why I internet date. I could have found this out a while ago.




DJ DICK

Pros

-He's Tall. 6'7. I generally date short guys. I'm 5'9. This is a nice change. He kisses me on my forehead alot
and I like that. Also , being a foot taller he doesn't need to constantly assert his manhood and feel insecure.
I have no problems dating guys shorter then me but they usually do and thats no longer my problem

-He's smart-ish...at least on paper. Its nice to say that your boyfriend went to Darthmoth and Stanford. I went to an Ivy and
it can be intimidating...unless you're also dating someone from an Ivy. Thing is i'm generally not interested in the Ivy types. He's not an Ivy-type. He likes hip hop

-He likes hip hop
-I have a good time with him. Laid back. Romantic . sweet.

Cons
- I hate the hip hop he likes. He doesn’t like jazz and only likes party music. How shallow
- He’s cheap. He took me out for desert and paid in quarters
- He’s not very kinky ☹ He tries but its half hearted
- I suspect that he dates a lot and we only see each other once/twice a week. I’m all about taking it slow but I suspect that it’s a game for him

Speculative Dick

I don’t even know. I just like him. Not as tall as DJ Dick but still taller than my ex. He’s a drummer/guitarist in several soul funk bands as well as a beat maker and indie producer. That’s all blah blah blah. First time we made out he scratched my back and I loved it. He’s super super super smart and wooed me with beautifully frank emails. He seems to have this great balance of self awareness mixed nice ness and honesty. I’ve known him a week, what do I know. All I know is that I felt butterflies for the first time in a looooong time. I don’t know how real it is and its causing me a lot of anxiety. I’m still feeling the sting of my last relationship so I’m trying my best to be cautious


And having some of the best non-sex of my life

die producer. That’s all blah blah blah. First time we made out he scratched my back and I loved it. He’s super super super smart and wooed me with beautifully frank emails. He seems to have this great balance of self awareness mixed nice ness and honesty. I’ve known him a week, what do I know. All I know is that I felt butterflies for the first time in a looooong time. I don’t know how real it is and its causing me a lot of anxiety. I’m still feeling the sting of my last relationship so I’m trying my best to be cautious


And having some of the best non-sex of my life

Sometimes a girl just wants someone she trusts enough
to smack her bottom JUST how she likes it and come all over
her face...


but its about trust...

no really (i'm laughing)

but for real....

Don't You wish Your girlfriend was.....me?

In my SINCEREST voice ever...

"No Condoms? Its not like I can get pregnant in my ass right?"

Free Market Love

is to date a minimum of three people at all times.

1. Your main squeeze. Your most promising prospect. The person (relatively) you feel that you are most likely to be compatible with on an emotional level. You don't sleep with this person ,but rather go on as many dates as possible as you weigh in on your compatability levels w/o the messiness of being sexually attached. Now I'm not moralist here but the sex is always a good reason to forgive someone's faults. You want time to check everything out


2. Your jump off. This person has been thoroughly vetted and there is no way that you would EVER, EVER , want to be in a relationship with this person, however you do respect and like each other and you enjoy the occasional romp. You don't treat this person like crap, you're nice to each other, you're open , your honest, just not compatible. And most importantly your safe. Because your itch is scratched you don't seem wanton or desperate with person number 1.

3. The new person. You should go out on a date with a new person as often as possible to see what's out there. If you're only seeing one person, then no matter WHAT you tell yourself, he's your boyfriend. All of your attention is on him. This also means that all the pressure and the stress is on him. Suddenly if he hasn't called in a day its a HUUUUGE deal.Borrowing from the ideals of a free market, things have a tendency of working themselves out and moving at their natural pace as opposed to pitting your hopes and dreams on every guy you go out on a date with (ladies you know you do this) You don't have to fake being easy, breezy and hard to get b/c well....you just are. You're moving about and if someone wants you to settle, he'd better give you a reason to.

Fender Gender Bender

I'm going to hell I'm sure of it. I rear ended a nice black family in harlem on their way to/from church. At least I imagine thats where they were going dressed so nice in their caddy on a sunday. It wasn't major. Just a bump but still it wasn't WHAT happened rather WHY....

I feel asleep under the light. This crazy week and last night finally catching up to me at 1:30 pm.

I was up all night "breaking up" with the socialist. Yes THAT socialist, the one I've been "dating" the past  month and by dating i mean actually DATING. We didn't sleep together. Just spent alot of time making out holding hands etc...very junior high which I needed. He thought the sun shone

out of my ass (which it does).. He was 28, balding in that could almost pass for bruce willis type way. Ok he was no bruce willis but he had a nice enough face and a nice enough body. He played tennis and hiked...

oh yeah last night. I swear my vagina is made of kryptonite because as soon as I sleep with someone instead of 

a) liking me more or

b) thinking it sucked and liking me less

usually C) happens

c) Thinks the sex was the best he had in his life thus throwing him into an existential crisis where in which he must not date me at all because "its all happening so fast" or "its so intense"

etc. etc. etc.

Normal people meet, date, vett each other and either like each other or move on...

but not the guys i date. They don't want to be with me but are some consumed with guilt

and confusion as too why , that they spend weeks sometimes months and in one extreme case

4 YEARS , trying to be with me. Like I was a million dollar check but for some reason that had

nothing to spend me on.

I was over it. so so over it.

He thought we shouldn't sleep together and that we should go out on our date on monday as planned and try to "recapture" what we had in the beginning.He still wanted to date me and I wanted him to shut up. I'd played the nice girl until then but I stripped him, got on top of him

and gave him the hickey he asked me not to, slapped him a few times, gave him a couple of chokes

and fucked him better then his boring , over neurotic ass ever got fucked...

twice

He smiled, kissed my forehead and rubbed my back and I said 

"for a guy who's 'not that into me' you sure like kissing me alot" and then he buried

his head in my chest and side

"I dont know what's wrong with me , I'm sorry"

but I did. Its me and his total lack of a reason and constant assurances of how "amazing"

I was just irked me further. 

I hate to admit it but the sex was SOOOOO much better once I didn't want to be involved with him..

Can't wait to tell my therapist.

Oh and to add to that disaster I called up my chinese boy and told him. He called me 3 times the night before so when i called him back this morning I told him that I had gotten "caught up"

and he asked "with what"?

I could have lied but I was sick of lying. Sick of the theatrics.  I'd rather be alone then not be able to be myself, so i told him I was breaking up with someone and he said "so you've been fucking around with this guy while you were with me?"

and i said "i've been dating and that is plural, I wasn't exactly sleeping with you guys at the same time( up until last night me and socialist had only had sex once) but we saw each other romantically. You and i have no ties to each other. If thats what you want tell me but lets be real....

we're meeting up tomorrow :/

First time for everything

"i'm such a slut"

I utter that to myself with a pride that makes post-modern feminists wet with envy

and early feminists cringe. Getting slapped can be liberating when you know just how much it turns the other person on. When you are the freak they can be totally themselves with, that shit is gold.

 I just got fucked by this chinese stripper and sent the video

we made to my screenwriting friend. Goddamn....he fucks like he has something to 

prove and I'm not complaining. We fucked in my new studio , across the way from 

not one but two photo studios across from us but just like white people NOT to notice us

and yes I KNOW that they didn't notice us because well..... If you saw a thick black girl

getting rammed by a chinese guy with blonde hair right below you, would  YOU not look?

I don't think so but thats how self absorption brought on by privilege will make you miss shit like that....

It was fun. really fun. I came twice. Definitely not the biggest I ever had but bigger  than I expected and he fucks ......hard and spanks me....just right. I don't know what he has to prove but I like that I'm who he chooses to prove it with. This afternoon delight was exactly what I needed to get my mind right. 

Had a long talk with the socialist i've been seeing...He says he likes me but we're moving to fast. He's right we are and I'm panicking. I've never done this before...this dating thing. We met online. then offline. I was an hour late and he almost left. 15 minutes after dinner he was holding my hand. Two hours after that he kissed me and we kept kissing till  4 am in  Washington Square park. The next week, we saw each other 5 times. I stayed over 4 times. 

He still couldn't stop kissing me.

I even waited this time. 3 whole weeks. but still too soon. He lives in infinite shades of grey. I'm like  a binary number. on/off . black white.  Either we are together or i'm fucking 10 million other people. 

so yeah the socialist and I didn't sleep together but we feigned making love and loved pretending....

But while he and I were playing house...

  I fucked china man the first night I got the keys to my studio :)

The first time he and I fucked it was in his grandmothers house in china town. He put his hand over my mouth to stifle my moans. I kept hoping we'd get caught......Ok...he's not really a stripper, he's a personal trainer with the body of a stripper. I  only mention this b/c there really IS A stripper that I had met a couple weeks prior at my best friends bachelorette party...I can't fuck him...

who has the time?

Besides I need to get my mind right and nothing gets it off course more than just fucking one man.......

The Crush.

My therapist asked me what kind of guy I was into and I said "He's got to be so smart he borders on autistic" 

I have a crush. Huge crush on a certain hip hop vlogger who shall remain nameless.  I don't think

he ever leaves his apt but I asked him to coffee. I said I'd be in the area. I really do have  to get work done, but neccessarily in a coffee shop that I know is a couple of blocks from where he allegedly lives. I hope he shows :/

I think he might have aspergers.